april loved.

letting your guard down so you can bloom.

from the moment i knew i was going to lose my job i began preparing myself for the next chapter of my life. i didn't dwell too much on whether or not i would keep my position with the company and make the 3 hour round-trip commute to toronto everyday to do so. i didn't pull my resume out of the archives, dust it off and begin the in my opinion pain staking process of updating it, polishing it up, and getting it out there tits first into the warfare that is the job market -- unless they sell tulip bundles for $3 and pickling cucumbers by the bushel, it's not the kind of market i'm interested in these days anyways. i did just about anything to distance myself from a job search, including pulling the wool over my own eyes, sticking my fingers in my ears and "la la la la la'-ing" my way through these last six months. 

yes, like a four year old.

until last week that is when i allowed a very persistent career counselor to hunt me down to discuss my plans future life what the fuck is going on in my head. i explained my brilliant plan of not having a plan at all, and convinced her that i'm going to start my own business one day, so i didn't need any help finding a job. however that shit didn't fly and before i knew it she was scheduling an appointment to meet (did i mention she's persistent?) emailing me a questionnaire, an aptitude test and three pages of goal writing to have filled out by the meeting, and wouldn't ya know, i surprised myself (and her to be honest) by actually completing it -- what can i say, i'm a sucker for lists.

within the first five minutes of our meeting i was hanging on every word my new found career counselor said. a successful business woman herself, she didn't sugar coat a thing for me, nor did i for her, and i can't tell you how refreshing that is. we spent two solid hours chatting about everything from all my very favourite things: events, planning, design, weddings, florals, cakes, wine, bad words, writing, photography, home decor and fashion, to all my least favourite things: budgets, bills, taxes, bookkeeping, setting costs, dealing with confrontation and deadlines. what we discovered is i have a great sense of column a, and a horrible sense of column b; like column b is reaaal bad. the good news is, if i try hard enough, i can work on column b and learn how to be successful at that stuff too. and if that goes for a shit, the even better news is, i can hire someone to do it for me!

so i'm on the track to somewhere. where and when and how are all still a mystery, but that's part of the fun right!? right? i have let my guard down and am allowing someone to help me lay the stonework that is the path to wherever this life will take me. i'm utilizing resources and taking advantage of the tools being presented to me, and as much as that scares me, the spark that my career fairy godmother lit within me shines far brighter than any ounce of fear i could ever carry.

this weekend was...

in big, blush, beautiful bloom...
magnolias trying so hard -- reaching for the sunlight.
floral chiffon & coral lips.
pastel match made in heaven.
along the trail on a saturday walk.

if i cup my ear and press the skin of my cheek

against the hollow and freckles and lines of your back,

and listen just hard enough, long enough, desperate enough,

i hear the current of your heart crash back into me.

feel the tide come in with every perfectly timed beat.

if i wrap my arms around you one hundred times and then one hundred times more

pull you closer into me with every sweet swell of your breath,

and hang on just hard enough, long enough, desperate enough,

i feel the waves of a life you've lived before there was me.

see a life on the horizon you'll live out in every part of us.

you can have the skin of my cheek,

the length of my arms wrapping you, my most beautiful gift.

i'll be there as you sleep, inched as close as the space between us will allow.

with every rise and fall, with every kiss of the shore.

just hard enough.

long enough.

desperate enough.

be the change.

hours after writing yesterday's post about living a grateful life i heard the news about the boston marathon tragedy, and it instantly made me feel like an insignificant asshole. how could i whine about the hardships in my life, when nothing that has come my way in 29 years of living has been half as horrific as what occurred yesterday. 

my loved ones slept peacefully in their beds last night.

my partner slept beautifully beside me in mine.

it's human nature to point fingers and place blame in every direction (but our own) when tragedy strikes, and i get it, i do. we feel the need to be educated and aware of what is going on around us, 'ignorance is bliss' can only take us so far. but i hate the way it feels like the details are advertised and showcased in the media as if it were pop culture -- as if the perpetrator is placed on a pedestal, doing far more harm than good. so i can't help but walk away when the story becomes water cooler chatter, when the story hits the news at 6 and 7 and then 8 o'clock. i don't want to read about it online or know every last gruesome detail, instead i choose to focus my attention on holding my loved ones a little tighter, sending every ounce of positive thinking in me to the families of those who fell victim to the sickness that inhabits the hearts and minds of the individuals responsible for this catastrophe, and am thankful for the sad-but-true fact that when humanity as a whole suffers a loss on this scale, our spirits connect and it ignites the power within us to make a difference.

"do not let the behaviour of others

destroy your inner peace."

-- dalai lama.

the difference a year makes.

i've come to realize the most wonderful thing about experiencing something life-defining isn't necessarily the living you do directly in that moment, rather it's being able to look back on it -- a day, a month, a year later, and realize how much more it changed you than you initially thought it did. i like to think i've always had a good handle on how to be thankful for life and 'live in the moment', even as a young girl i can remember attending a sleepover birthday party at a hotel where we blasted the spice girls on repeat while running through the hallways, dancing and singing like we owned the joint. i can explicitly remember the feeling of being so filled with pure-honest-genuine joy, i made a point to take a moment to savour it -- every delicious adolescent inch, and to this day 'wannabe' can't play within earshot without instantly taking me back to that moment where in my infinite 11 year old world i wasn't amanda, i was whatever i wanted to be, 
and i wanted to be a fucking spice girl.

18 years later i am still finding myself savouring moments whenever i can -- the moment after our wedding ceremony when we shared what we had inscribed inside our wedding bands. the moment i stepped foot into our home for the first time and fell instantly in love; the light of it, the feel of it, the very smell of it. the moment we took shelter from rain under an umbrella in italy to sip cappuccinos as the world passed by in beautiful slow motion. the moment almost one year ago to the day when i held my best friend's hand while oprah enter the room and our lives to teach lessons of gratitude for the day. the moment i realized that life is far more beloved than i ever conceived it to be, and that at any moment -- yes, even a savoured one, unwarranted and without reason, it can be taken from me.

does this mean i need to learn to cherish life even more?

it almost makes me bitter to think that for all the conscious effort i have put into living a thankful life, it's still not unquestionably mine. how do i become even more appreciative for what i have? how do i hold onto it for dear life, not letting any one or any thing intervene and take it from me? take my loved ones, take my happiness, take my heart and soul and everything in between. how do you let go of one unhealthy thing to let another flourish and thrive? how do you take control of what is yours?

for all i have come to learn, there is still so much left for me to understand -- so much left for me to take in, digest and manifest into the life i want to lead. those curve balls and knuckle balls and fuck, even the big, hairy balls life throws at you are all lessons in becoming your most appreciative self; on how to live your best life, on learning to accept the good with the bad and being thankful for that too. maybe that's the biggest, hairiest, wrinkliest ball of them all -- the moment when you learn what it truly means to be deep within yourself grateful. 
not just for the good, but for everything.

mayer hawthorne: no strings.

saturday afternoon house cleaning music. love.

for your heart & soul.

sometimes it's in the best interest of your heart and your soul and especially your eyes 
to spend a day with beautiful friends, simply surrounded by beautiful things.

mint beadboard walls & crisp white tin ceilings.

blankets made by hand in need of new homes.

1917 underwood.

keys to whatever i need them to be : thimbles pretty enough on their own.

tobacco tins for days.

north is suddenly south, and east is west.

{image via}

life is funny isn't it?

just when you think you've got it all figured out,

just when you finally begin to plan something,

get excited about it and feel like you know what direction you're heading in,

the paths change,

the signs change,

the wind blows the other way,

north is suddenly south,

and east is west

and you're

lost.

--cecelia ahearn.