the difference a year makes.

i've come to realize the most wonderful thing about experiencing something life-defining isn't necessarily the living you do directly in that moment, rather it's being able to look back on it -- a day, a month, a year later, and realize how much more it changed you than you initially thought it did. i like to think i've always had a good handle on how to be thankful for life and 'live in the moment', even as a young girl i can remember attending a sleepover birthday party at a hotel where we blasted the spice girls on repeat while running through the hallways, dancing and singing like we owned the joint. i can explicitly remember the feeling of being so filled with pure-honest-genuine joy, i made a point to take a moment to savour it -- every delicious adolescent inch, and to this day 'wannabe' can't play within earshot without instantly taking me back to that moment where in my infinite 11 year old world i wasn't amanda, i was whatever i wanted to be, 
and i wanted to be a fucking spice girl.

18 years later i am still finding myself savouring moments whenever i can -- the moment after our wedding ceremony when we shared what we had inscribed inside our wedding bands. the moment i stepped foot into our home for the first time and fell instantly in love; the light of it, the feel of it, the very smell of it. the moment we took shelter from rain under an umbrella in italy to sip cappuccinos as the world passed by in beautiful slow motion. the moment almost one year ago to the day when i held my best friend's hand while oprah enter the room and our lives to teach lessons of gratitude for the day. the moment i realized that life is far more beloved than i ever conceived it to be, and that at any moment -- yes, even a savoured one, unwarranted and without reason, it can be taken from me.

does this mean i need to learn to cherish life even more?

it almost makes me bitter to think that for all the conscious effort i have put into living a thankful life, it's still not unquestionably mine. how do i become even more appreciative for what i have? how do i hold onto it for dear life, not letting any one or any thing intervene and take it from me? take my loved ones, take my happiness, take my heart and soul and everything in between. how do you let go of one unhealthy thing to let another flourish and thrive? how do you take control of what is yours?

for all i have come to learn, there is still so much left for me to understand -- so much left for me to take in, digest and manifest into the life i want to lead. those curve balls and knuckle balls and fuck, even the big, hairy balls life throws at you are all lessons in becoming your most appreciative self; on how to live your best life, on learning to accept the good with the bad and being thankful for that too. maybe that's the biggest, hairiest, wrinkliest ball of them all -- the moment when you learn what it truly means to be deep within yourself grateful. 
not just for the good, but for everything.