april loved.

letting your guard down so you can bloom.

from the moment i knew i was going to lose my job i began preparing myself for the next chapter of my life. i didn't dwell too much on whether or not i would keep my position with the company and make the 3 hour round-trip commute to toronto everyday to do so. i didn't pull my resume out of the archives, dust it off and begin the in my opinion pain staking process of updating it, polishing it up, and getting it out there tits first into the warfare that is the job market -- unless they sell tulip bundles for $3 and pickling cucumbers by the bushel, it's not the kind of market i'm interested in these days anyways. i did just about anything to distance myself from a job search, including pulling the wool over my own eyes, sticking my fingers in my ears and "la la la la la'-ing" my way through these last six months. 

yes, like a four year old.

until last week that is when i allowed a very persistent career counselor to hunt me down to discuss my plans future life what the fuck is going on in my head. i explained my brilliant plan of not having a plan at all, and convinced her that i'm going to start my own business one day, so i didn't need any help finding a job. however that shit didn't fly and before i knew it she was scheduling an appointment to meet (did i mention she's persistent?) emailing me a questionnaire, an aptitude test and three pages of goal writing to have filled out by the meeting, and wouldn't ya know, i surprised myself (and her to be honest) by actually completing it -- what can i say, i'm a sucker for lists.

within the first five minutes of our meeting i was hanging on every word my new found career counselor said. a successful business woman herself, she didn't sugar coat a thing for me, nor did i for her, and i can't tell you how refreshing that is. we spent two solid hours chatting about everything from all my very favourite things: events, planning, design, weddings, florals, cakes, wine, bad words, writing, photography, home decor and fashion, to all my least favourite things: budgets, bills, taxes, bookkeeping, setting costs, dealing with confrontation and deadlines. what we discovered is i have a great sense of column a, and a horrible sense of column b; like column b is reaaal bad. the good news is, if i try hard enough, i can work on column b and learn how to be successful at that stuff too. and if that goes for a shit, the even better news is, i can hire someone to do it for me!

so i'm on the track to somewhere. where and when and how are all still a mystery, but that's part of the fun right!? right? i have let my guard down and am allowing someone to help me lay the stonework that is the path to wherever this life will take me. i'm utilizing resources and taking advantage of the tools being presented to me, and as much as that scares me, the spark that my career fairy godmother lit within me shines far brighter than any ounce of fear i could ever carry.

this weekend was...

in big, blush, beautiful bloom...
magnolias trying so hard -- reaching for the sunlight.
floral chiffon & coral lips.
pastel match made in heaven.
along the trail on a saturday walk.

if i cup my ear and press the skin of my cheek

against the hollow and freckles and lines of your back,

and listen just hard enough, long enough, desperate enough,

i hear the current of your heart crash back into me.

feel the tide come in with every perfectly timed beat.

if i wrap my arms around you one hundred times and then one hundred times more

pull you closer into me with every sweet swell of your breath,

and hang on just hard enough, long enough, desperate enough,

i feel the waves of a life you've lived before there was me.

see a life on the horizon you'll live out in every part of us.

you can have the skin of my cheek,

the length of my arms wrapping you, my most beautiful gift.

i'll be there as you sleep, inched as close as the space between us will allow.

with every rise and fall, with every kiss of the shore.

just hard enough.

long enough.

desperate enough.

be the change.

hours after writing yesterday's post about living a grateful life i heard the news about the boston marathon tragedy, and it instantly made me feel like an insignificant asshole. how could i whine about the hardships in my life, when nothing that has come my way in 29 years of living has been half as horrific as what occurred yesterday. 

my loved ones slept peacefully in their beds last night.

my partner slept beautifully beside me in mine.

it's human nature to point fingers and place blame in every direction (but our own) when tragedy strikes, and i get it, i do. we feel the need to be educated and aware of what is going on around us, 'ignorance is bliss' can only take us so far. but i hate the way it feels like the details are advertised and showcased in the media as if it were pop culture -- as if the perpetrator is placed on a pedestal, doing far more harm than good. so i can't help but walk away when the story becomes water cooler chatter, when the story hits the news at 6 and 7 and then 8 o'clock. i don't want to read about it online or know every last gruesome detail, instead i choose to focus my attention on holding my loved ones a little tighter, sending every ounce of positive thinking in me to the families of those who fell victim to the sickness that inhabits the hearts and minds of the individuals responsible for this catastrophe, and am thankful for the sad-but-true fact that when humanity as a whole suffers a loss on this scale, our spirits connect and it ignites the power within us to make a difference.

"do not let the behaviour of others

destroy your inner peace."

-- dalai lama.