june captured.

death cab & long weekends.

t.g.i.f.f.

thank god it's fucking friday.

and it's a long weekend ta boot.

so much planned for this most patriotic long weekend.

bonfires with friends, swimming in my parents pool, eating every cherry in town.

and a last minute decision to see the hip play with death cab for cutie on the fort george grounds with some of my favourite people has me peeing in my panties. i remember falling in love with death cab after hearing 'soul meets body' on the 'oc'. oh the oc, it feels like you are a high school, seth & summer decade ago. so good, so long ago, shit i'm old.

happy canada day. happy friday. happy so many things.

{source}

i pretty well tingle up with goosebumps every time i hear this song.

it makes me want to get married again.

the results are in: we are fucked.

for the good of my health; i vent.

6 months ago i shared that we are on the hunt for our forever, permanent, not-moving-again unless it's into a victorian mansion on an acre of land with a wraparound porch and stained glass in every window home, and since then, i have given a valiant effort on the hunt front. we creep mls on the daily, get new listing results via email from our real estate agent/very good friend/curly headed fuck like clockwork, and have even attended a few open houses and some private viewings--all to no avail.

honestly (and i can't believe i am going to admit this), but i have liked 3 out of the 857,106,72 homes we have looked at/been in/considered perfect from afar, and when i say like, i mean don't hate with every fiber of my being. and surprise fucking surprise, they have all been waaaaaaay over budget, in neighbourhoods and on streets we could never afford, not even if paulie was the ceo of go transit. the worst part is, every time i click clack my search info into the fields of that damn mls search (i could do this with my eyes crossed and closed, while sleeping and shit face drunk) i can't help but scroll that price range max all the way to $300,000, $400,000 who am i kidding $900,000, and then sit back to drool all over myself, all the while cursing every rich bastard who owns the kind of dream home i want 

more than anything.

it's a discouraging process, finding a dream home, and i give kudos and high fives and "fuck yeahs" to anyone who has been able to do it, within a reasonable length of time, on a budget and with hair on your head at the end of it all. we purchased our current home when we were 22 years old, and the stress i thought i was under then, doesn't pale in comparison to the anxiety that takes over me when i think about doing it again.  why all the humming and ha-ing and inability to make a decision? why do i snub my nose up at every house that scans through the never ending list of 'for sales' in the niagara region?

the biggest reason, and i have almost convinced myself of this, is that the right home hasn't been put up for sale yet. i know that the chances of finding our dream home in the exact condition we want it to be, is slim to none. what i refuse to believe, is that something like it, a lot like it, isn't out there. when it finally presents itself, we will know. i will most likely know from the listing alone that it's the one. stepping foot in it will confirm that, and we will all live happily ever after. right?

maybe (yes. this totally is the reason) part of me still doesn't want to believe we will leave our home. our real estate agent/very good friend/curly headed fuck has been forewarned that when the day comes that we have to put our house up for sale, there will be no sign going up on our front lawn. there is no way in hell that i'm going to let every dirt bag in town know that my house is for sale, leaving it open to the general population to visit during open houses, just because they are "nosey" or "curious". which obviously is the number one reason i go to open houses, but come on, i'm not a dirt bag. i'm more of a dirtball. i also hate the idea of turning the corner onto my street every day, and seeing that sign, staring me in the heart, constantly reminding me that it's only a matter of time before i'm packing my shit and leaving. 
for good.

the search continues. i hate being a grown up.

she dreams of italy.

"occasionally she dreams of italy.

she dreams of cheese shops, persnickety fiats, 

and very fine leather goods."

-kate spade

last year at this time we were floating through italy on our honeymoon. not a single day has gone by since that trip, that i haven't thought about italy in some way. i go through withdrawals and find that making myself a caprese salad, pouring a glass of red wine and sitting in front of the laptop going though our photos from start to finish (only stopping to grab a tissue to wipe my tears), really helps. 

what? that's weird and not normal? really now.

if i could go to italy every year, i would. in the short time we spent there, it taught me so many things i didn't know before:

the way it makes you appreciate the simple things in life.

the way it shows you how beautiful a place can make you feel.

the way it makes you long for beauty in your life.

this means more of things like cappuccino's under an umbrella in the rain, colorful doors adorned with pots of pink geraniums and freshly laundered clothes hanging on the line. tumbler glasses of red wine, fresh lemonade made with sun-warmed lemons, kissing someone you love in the streets because you love them too much to wait another minute and eating dinner for 3 hours, later than you should. taking naps in the afternoon and not feeling bad about it, eating good cheese and  fresh prosciutto for lunch every day. buying something expensive because it's worth it. each and every hard earned penny of it.

  

it's simple. it's more beautiful than you could ever prepare yourself for it to be.

it's my idea of heaven on earth.

and i miss it every day.

for the love of a good cocktail: classic canadian caesar.

for as long as i can remember, my cocktail of choice has always been a spicy caesar. no matter what time of year, or what the occasion may be, i am always down for this tasty, savoury drink. i usually like to have it before my meal, kind of like an appetizer, and am so full from it, i move on to something more light and refreshing to drink during my meal. it has become a sort of tradition to make caesars on sundays when having dinner with my family, and i firmly believe the recipe we use is perfect. because sharing is caring, without further adieu, the tastiest caesar you are yet to try.

how we do: classic canadian caesar

you will need:

mott's extra spicy clamato juice

3-5 dashes tabasco sauce

3 dashes worchestire sauce

salt & pepper to taste

1 teaspoon dill pickle juice

caesar rimmer 

2 shots of vodka

spicy pickled bean, stalk of celery, pickle spear to garnish

a good caesar is a combo of spicy, salty and tangy, with a nice kick of vodka to bring out all the flavours. if you prefer gin to vodka, you can use it as a substitute, and apparently, for gin lovers, which i am not, it's divinity. most of the ingredients for this recipe you will already have, but i feel substitutions can always be made to suit your taste. do whatever blows your skirt up. hopefully you're wearing underwear. 
you dirtball.

 rim the edge of your glass using a lemon or lime wedge,  and then spin the glass in your "rimmer". i prefer a good amount of salt, so i have enough to get me through my whole drink. if you don't have the authentic "rimmer", celery salt mixed with some salt & pepper works too. fill your rimmed glass halfway with ice, and then your ingredients. this process works for me:

salt & pepper--vodka--tabasco--vodka--worchestire--vodka--pickle juice--clamato juice--stir--garnish--vodka

k. maybe i don't use that much vodka. with the amount of garnish in there, you pretty much have yourself a meal in a glass. they are so good, that when you see someone drinking one, you have to have one for yourself. give em' a whirl and let me know what you think! 
cheers big ears.

a new favourite thing: tyler knott gregson.

sometimes i read things, poems, words, fragments of a thought, and they resonate with me so soundly, i relate so much, that i wish i could wrap them around me so i am as close to them as possible. 

and sometimes when i read things, poems, words, or fragments of a thought, it literally takes the breath from me. so i search for more until i find whoever it was that wrote that thing that made me gasp in the first place, and i end up finding something like this.

tyler knott gregson: he says of himself:

a photographer.

a poet.

an artist.

exploitable genuis.

world alchemist.

thought translator.

boy with faraway eyes.

buddhist.

my favourite is the poet. his many masks, it's the one i feel he wears best.

and he wears it beautifully.

 {all images found here}

alabama shakes: hold on.

if you listen to a new rock radio station, i trust you've hear this song -- 

lucky if you have, lucky if you haven't, cause here it is.

they are amazing. currently can't get enough of their entire debut album.

at first i thought it was a girl singing. then i was confident it was definitely a dude. then i watched the video.

happy fuckin' friday!

boston & the boy.

there were only three preferences requirements when it came to deciding on where to go for our first anniversary getaway:

a} cobblestone streets.

b} a pretty bed & breakfast.

c} food. and a shitload of it.

my first thoughts went to montreal. we'd have all the cobblestone old montreal had to offer, literally 24 million b&b's to choose from and the chance to score reservations at 'garde manger', the restaurant the adorable chuck hughes owns and films his show from. then we discovered that it would be the grand prix weekend and that everyone and their mother would be in mtl. so we scratched that bidness.

then we considered new york city, having been there before and falling in love with it, we liked the idea of being able to see some of the things we didn't get to see the first time around. cobblestone? check. b&b's in brooklyn? check. food? seriously?

but when paulie mentioned boston, we stopped looking elsewhere. boston it is. boston it was.

the whole thing was booked and planned within a day or two, and all i had left to organize was what i wanted to wear each day, and how many pairs of shoes i could squeeze into my our suitcases (5 to be exact). we would have 3 nights and 4 lovely days to spend exploring what is now my favourite biggish city. i loved it even more than new york, and more than montreal too. it's no italy, but it's good. reeeeal good. in our short time there, we were able to explore some of the sweetest neighbourhoods, eat meals on patios, enjoy all the luxuries our stunning b&b had to offer, catch a red sox game on a perfect sunday afternoon, cuddle in boston common, drool over the harvard campus and really get to enjoy each other's company. it was a lovely, romantic, easy weekend. 
please go to boston.

one year.

{image via nataschia wielink photography}

you carry away with you a part of me reflected in you. 
when your beauty struck me, it dissolved me. 
deep down, i am not different from you. 
i dreamed you, i wished for your existence. 
i see in you that part of me which is you. 
i surrender my sincerity because if i love you
 it means we share the same fantasies, we share the same madness.

--anais nin.

i really can't believe a whole year has passed us by. that day was the most perfect day, the sunshine and blue sky, our family and friends sharing with us, our "i do's" and simple moments; the way we loved each other that day, all of it, was perfect. i catch myself thinking back on it often--tearing up when looking through our album and when watching our video. it makes me even more thankful, even more aware of how blessed we are, to have found each other, when we did, in this big ol' world. i still feel just as i did about paul on our wedding day, today. even more if you can believe it. my heart will always grow with love for him, and i can't wait to see where this life takes us.

{video by dave tebbutt films}

hearts & crafts: ombré pantone inspired pots.

i have been slightly obsessed with all things 'pantone' lately (like these mugs and these cell phone cases for example), and have been trying to work out a diy project to satisfy my craving. after walking past the flats of herbs we picked up from my nonno's place for the 100th time this weekend, i decided what i was going to make. here's my nod to pantone inspired pots.

how we do: ombré pantone inspired pots

we knew we needed at least 3 pots to hold all the herbs my nonno had grown for us, so determine what it is you will be putting into your pots, and then figure out what size you need. terra cotta was cheap and i love the classic 'flower pot' shape, so we scooped up 3, 12" pots. 

i also wanted to incorporate ombré colouring (the graduation of a shade or tone) into this project, as it keeps things simple and clean, but still colourful and bright. because these would be staying outside, we chose indoor/outdoor spray paint in shades of blue that would dry with a glossy finish as opposed to matte. you will also need a can of white spray paint for the band at the bottom of the pot (we used glossy for this as well) painter's tape, and something to spray over. i used a large leaf bag that i cut open and laid out on the grass.

once you have your shit together, you can get down and dirty! start by painting about 5" of white along the bottom of the pot, and the bottom itself. allow each coat to dry "to the touch" in between, which takes around 10 mins. basically, by the time you finish the white on your last pot, the first pot is ready for another coat. i needed three coats of white before it was completely covered. leave your pots to dry upside down overnight, so the paint can cure and doesn't peel away when you pull off the tape you are going to apply in the next step.

*side note: the pooch does not know what spray paint is, and will try to sit underneath you while you work. it may have been a good idea to put her inside. but look at her! come on now.

the next day, your pots should be dry and  you can tape them off. i made sure to place the tape about 2" from the bottom of the pot, to leave a thick enough band. you want to make sure you have the same coverage of paint the whole way around, so adjust the height you are taping off to ensure it's even. taping a straight line onto a round pot that narrows down, isn't the easiest, but if you get it straight even 3/4 of the way around, you're lookin' good. wrap a plastic bag over the base, and tape it to the pot. now you can paint the colour onto the rest of the pot. it's the same process as the white, three even coats allowed to dry in between. once the last coat was dry to the touch, i removed the bag and tape.

 please!?! i am so happy with this little diddy, i only use the back door to get in the house now. they lined up beautifully on our back porch, and when i reached my little hand out to snip some basil for my caprese salad last night, i couldn't help but smile. they are bright, fresh and practical--what more could you ask for in a herb garden?

'pink taco' salad.

i remember the first time i tried taco salad. my friend cass showed up to a party with this mangia cake salad, made with chips and ground beef and catalina dressing. reluctant to try it, i gave it a whirl and was shocked by how good it was. i then proceeded to have several helpings, as if i had just smoked 25 joints and it was my last meal on earth. fast forward a few years to my girlfriend neena's apartment in toronto. we ordered pizza and whipped up a pimped out version of cass's famous taco salad, and that was that. i brought this baby to a potluck at work last week, and by the end of the day, had four email requests for the recipe in my inbox. a perfect side for bbq's, and a great alternative to that same old same old salad you bring to every friggen' potluck you have ever attended, this taco salad was perfected with love by two of my favourite girlies. hence, aptly named, 'pink taco' salad.

how we do: 'pink taco' salad

{serves 12-15 starving co-workers/2-3 people stoned out of their tree.}

prep time: 20 minutes

cook time: 10 minutes

eating time: how high are you?

you will need:

1 head of iceberg lettuce

1/2 head of red cabbage

5 stems of spring/green onions

1 can of black beans

1 jar of jalapenos

2 cups of cheddar cheese (add more if you like a little extra cheese in your taco)

1 pound of extra lean ground beef

1 package of 'hot & spicy' taco seasoning

1 bag of plain tortilla chips

catalina dressing

this is one of those recipes that is easiest when you are prepped and ready to go. you don't want to make it too ahead of time, as it will get wilty and mingin. get all the ingredients ready to go, and then whip this bad boy together right before you serve it. start by getting your ground beef going in a frying pan, and strain off any excess grease once it's fully cooked. add your 'hot and spicy' taco seasoning and mix well. you could use the regular taco seasoning, but its' not going to be hot and spicy. 

and what's the point of that?

because there are 300 ingredients in this beast, you want to chop everything up into smallish sized pieces so you can get a bit of everything with every bite. i love red cabbage when it's a little bigger, as it's the crunch that makes the whole salad. shred your iceberg lettuce, and chop your green onion.

beans, beans the magical fruit, the more you eat them, the more you want to punch the person you are sleeping next to, but damn they are good! wash and strain your black beans, and leave them to dry as you prep the rest of your ingredients.

assembling this bitch is really up to you. there is no method to the madness, as it's all going to be tossed together anyways. if you want to make it ahead of time, say the night before a potluck, you would want to assemble it so the heartiest ingredients are at the bottom: beef, beans, red cabbage, cheese, jalas, green onion, iceberg lettuce and then add your tortilla chips and dressing on top when you are about to serve it. plate this baby up and enjoy it like you're cheech and fuckin' chong.

an anniversary admission.

i wrote 'june' for the first time today, and it has me reminiscing about how i was feeling one whole year ago. something tells me the next few days will bring back lots of emotions and memories, leaving me full with nostalgia.

in the months before getting married, i used to find myself waking up in the dead of the night, panicked and sweaty, breathing hard and full of guilt, tears welling in my eyes with such confusion inside of me, that it was too much to stay asleep, my body would force me to wake up. and i would sit there, coax my mind into being as awake as my heart, and figure out what it was that tore me from my dream and pulled me back into the safety of my double bed. sparks and moments and flashes of my dream would unravel in my head, and i would get so mad at myself for allowing my subconscious to go to a place so terrible, too hard to fathom when awake, the only choice left was to go there in my sleep. i would dream about being unfaithful to the man beautifully sleeping beside me.

he never had a face, but he always had the same hands, he always had the same mouth, and he never spoke to me, never gave me good reason to do what i was doing, he was just there to tempt me, to seduce me, to succeed, and he would. night after night, he was there to snatch me away from my happy little life, have his way with me, body and mind, and then discard me right where he found me--

back into my personal space. our personal space.

i started having these dreams nightmares so frequently, that i dreaded those last moments when you feel yourself drift into sleep. i would silently beg for a dreamless night, and force myself to think of the happy weeks ahead, and the happier years beyond that. but before i knew it, there i was, awake and violated, processing my unfaithful thoughts and punishing myself for letting it happen again. at first i chalked it up to being stressed beyond capacity. unable to fall back asleep, i would get up and write lists. lists of things to be done, things to buy and things to do in preparation for our wedding day. it was like i was making up for all the wrong i had been doing in my sleep, mere moments before. paul would catch me awake, see the stress on my face and the worry in my eyes, and tell me everything would be ok, promising me we would get everything done and not to worry myself at outrageous times in the night. if he only knew the real reason why i couldn't be fast asleep in his arms. if he only knew what i had been so wrongly doing behind his back. and mine. 

this carried on until a week before we married. the constant tug and pull of being so happy to finally get to marry the most wonderful man, so flooded with the strongest, newest, emotions i was yet to feel, i finally gave into my nightly routine, and taught myself to deal with its abrupt awakenings. days would be so filled with things to do, that i didn't have time to tend to my nighttime busyness. it wasn't until days before "the day", while writing my speech to paul, that i came full circle. so simple and full of sense, i don't know why it took so long to understand what was happening to me night after night.

i had been preparing myself for the chance he might leave me.

in the first year of our relationship, i would ask him (more often than i should ) if he was going to leave me. he was too good to be true, he was too good for me and my young once broken heart, and he was too perfect to be with someone like me. in times of disagreement or during arguments (which were few and far between) i would find myself the 'poor me' and accuse him of considering leaving me. he would tell me not to feel that way, and asked me not to say "things like that". the last time i said it, he told me how unattractive i was when i let my insecurities get the best of me, and my confidence was what he was so attracted to in the first place. i never wanted him to find me unattractive again. i always wanted him to look at me in the same light i looked at him. my best light. 

from then on, i never let myself go to that place of vulnerability. i was the confident, positive, strong girl inside of me, that he loved and wanted me to be. until of course those last few months before we made big promises to each other. the emotions of everything going on around me, caused those feelings to come flooding back full force, like a final preparation that the life i planned and hoped for with him, could slip right through my fingers at any moment. it had never fully left me, it was just hibernating in the far reaches of my head and in the cracks and crevasses of my heart. i dreamt of doing something so wrong, and so unfair, that in real life he would have had no choice but to leave me. i would have forced him into it, pressuring him into something i had formed in my mind, not his.

the night i finished my speech, i crawled into bed and right into paul's heart. 100% of me, every part of me, and i slept perfectly dreamless. and in the nights leading up to our first anniversary, i look back on the nights leading up to our wedding day, and i see myself differently. 

i finally see myself the way my husband sees me.

*paul is fully aware that this happened.

when asked how he felt about it all, he replied, and i quote:

"it doesn't bother me any. 

for all we know, i could be dreaming about sleeping with lots of different people every night.

all i can tell you, is that i wake up with a boner every morning.

it can't always be you."