they say everything happens for a reason.

earlier this year i wrote about what i want to be when i grow up, and how i was struggling with the fact that i wasn't ready to say goodbye to my job and make the move. it's funny how things come full circle, how if you wish on it long enough, it happens for you when you least expect it. one week ago, 25 of my colleagues and i were called for a mandatory meeting where the vice president of the company i work for, stood in front of us to say "as of may 2013, this office is closing, your position is re-locating, and we have no idea where" and yes, it was just like that. without getting too much into detail, i have the choice to move with my position -- whether it's toronto, texas or tuktyuktuk, my job is still mine if i want it, and to be honest with you, it took me about 12 seconds to decide, that no, i don't want it. i'm good thanks.

that morning was opportunity presenting itself to me -- it showed up wearing a trench coat with nothing underneath and flashed its giant dink and balls at me for christ sakes.  it "made love" to me and then lit a cigarette and said "amanda, it's me, opportunity. i know you've been waiting for me for a long time, so take advantage of me while you can". because i would be an idiot not to, i plan on running with it, as fast as i can -- i'm not 100% sure what that means, or where i'm going with it, i just know it's not going to waste.

the part of me that's sad about all of this happening, is more for those i work with than it is for me. i hate to see anyone get put out of something they don't want to be put out of. i hate that my brother and his girlfriend are both going to have to make tough decisions and deal with the stress of all this. i hate that i won't get to see the people who have become my friends each day, and share this journey we are all on with them. but for all that, an even larger part of me feels like this happened to me for a reason. until now, i have always hated that saying "everything happens for a reason". what a cop out. what a sugar coated way of saying "well, it looks like you're fucked, so we're just gonna pretend something better is coming your way, and that should help shed some light on the shitty situation you're in".

you miscarried? "well, everything happens for a reason".
your spouse cheated on you 100 times? "well, everything happens for a reason".
you lost your job? "well, everything happens for a reason".

i believe that everything doesn't necessarily happen for a reason, rather everything just happens. the reason is what you make of it. what you and you alone decide to do with the information you are given and how you choose to move forward. i want to be told straight up: yeah, you got dealt a balls hand, and now you have to deal with it. it's no one's responsibility to figure things out for me, and i am fully prepared to make some major decisions. since last week my mind has been constantly reeling with the options ahead of me. for my sanity, i began writing everything down in a journal, and what i have discovered, what the exciting thing is, it's the same ideas i keep coming back to. it's the same few dream jobs i keep re-visiting, and the fact that the dream is becoming a reality is really exciting.

the thing that has gotten me through the sadness in all of this, is the reassurance i have received from family, friends, and even more from paul. from the moment i told him what had happened, he has been nothing but positive, encouraging and excited for me. he wants me to move into the next chapter of my life, where i can be who i am intended to be, and do what makes me happiest, and the best part is, the very best part, is that he wants to be by my side as i figure out what the hell that is.

i will not die an unlived life.
i will not live in fear of falling or catching fire.
i choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid, more accessible,
to loosen my heart until it becomes 
a wing, a torch, a promise.
i choose to risk my significance;
to live so that which comes to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which comes to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
 --dawn markova