first comes love, then comes marriage, then my uterus tries to exit the building.

in the wake of my turning another year older, i have been inundated by a question that seems everyone in my life wants me to answer: when are you and paul having a baby? normally the question is presented in a polite manner: "do you want to have kids right away? are you and paul trying yet?", and as much as i appreciate that it's on the minds of my friends, family and colleagues, translated literally, "are you and paul trying yet?" means "is paul frequently tapping that ass without a one-piece overcoat?". and i don't know how i feel about that. is it appropriate to ask non-newlyweds if they are getting down and dirty on the regular, sans protection? something tells me no. no, it's not.

now if i would have been asked even a year ago if i wanted to have kids, i would have told you that there was a better chance of throwing myself down the stairs before getting knocked up. i actually can't remember ever wanting to be a mom. even when i was little, i can remember 'playing house', and never wanting to be the mom-i preferred being the kid, or the student, even the pet cat. but over the last year, specifically the last six months, i have changed my tune. it's like my hormones have shifted and it sparked my maternal clock to stark ticking. at first i could shut it up with a glass of wine, but the wine now has reverse effects...the more drunk i get, the more i find myself talking about having a baby. i've even caught myself asking paul the same questions everyone is asking me "well, are you going to tap my ass or what?". just last week paul came downstairs to find me bawling my eyes out in front of the tv, watching tori spelling (who i love) give birth to their third baby:

paul: "um. are you crying?"
me: "wahhhh! i want one"
paul: "you're fucked"

these conversations make paulie an awkward little boy, even more so than he already is, if you can believe it. he doesn't ever seem to say when he wants to start a family, he just says "when it happens, it happens". the truth is, we could get pregnant today, and he would be happier than if the jays won the world series--and  for paul, that is really fucking happy. i see how he interacts with kids and animals...and i like the way they are drawn to him and his kind, sweet nature. if he's in a room with either, you can bet your ass, they are all over him. i want to be the mama to his babies, i want to see him hold a wee paulie in his arms (we're only having boys. 3 of them).

so why the hesitation to get off the bench and onto the field? because i'm scurred! shitless! 

we can't be the only friends in our group avec baby! there's only a handful of us who are married, never mind being two steps ahead of the game. i know, i know, what a pathetic excuse to put my life the next step on hold, but i really want to enjoy that part of my life surrounded by the people i love. have kids that are the same age, that can grow up together and develop the kind of friendship i have with my friends. i want more "paul and amanda" time to do our thing. shallow? maybe. selfish? sure.  the truth? 100%.

for now i have come up with a list of things i will say when asked "are you trying yet?". 

so if i pull any of these out on you, don't be alarmed.

"unfortunately, paul has no testicles."

"kids are in our 15 year plan."

"i'm allergic."

"can't. i'm totally barren."
 

side note: when i do get knocked up, i will own this t-shirt.